i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i've created a new STD.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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