just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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