i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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