She said her name was "party"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
