Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
