He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
