I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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