Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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