i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
