Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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