The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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