I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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