I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
