Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
