I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
