I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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