And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
