drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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