feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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