Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i out mim tonsoeep
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
