I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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