there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
