The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
