I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
