nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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