just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
