Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
