I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
