thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it hurts more in the daytime
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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