Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
