im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
