Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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