I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
