You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
