____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
