I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm at about main and main street
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
