Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
