It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
