if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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