Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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