My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize