me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
