I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
