I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
