one two three fourrrrnication!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
40s are totally the cure
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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