i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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