Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
