You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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