Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
