My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
