She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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